Reconciliation and Resolution

I met with one of my best friends the other day. I don’t say best because it’s one of those, kind of sappy, tell-each-other-everything-about-everything kind of connections. Oi. No thanks; I have Jill for that. But, simply, for this one, that there was a lot of determination on both ends to still be friends, and that many others who face similar tensions I don’t think would be able to remain friends afterward. Sometimes, it is as dramatic as a freaking soap opera. But we’ve come a long, long way, in short. And I’m very proud of that.
I’ve decided, that the best friends are the ones that have been in conflict with each other, and resolve it. When you know someone well enough that they annoy the crap out of you some days, but losing their friendship is out of the question. Or when all you need to do is look them in the eye and you know what they’re thinking, feeling, and then you understand what you can do to make them feel better, and act upon that, regardless of your own feelings and situation. This takes time, and a certain amount of affordability. It takes BALLS to get into conflict with friends, and I question if there are many out there who are able to try and have the vulnerability to be in a real relationship with someone, not simply a padded, fluffy connection, that never gets beyond simple interaction for the sake of being social. I’m talking blood and gore, here. Well, not actual blood and gore. Metaphorically speaking. So I guess I’m not talking blood and gore…?
Conflict, is always a two-way scenario, and involves both people at fault. It’s never quite completely solved until both people can admit that they are at fault, for their respective reasons. I think, for me, I too quickly admit my own fault, or tend to take the blame too fast, without allowing the other person/people involved to recognize that they have done something wrong, as well. And I think I do this as a reaction against the instinct that I, and many people have, to point the finger, and shove that blame on somebody, anybody else but themselves, so that they can feel some quiet relief in the chaos, that at least it wasn’t their fault, but that moron over there who’s completely to blame. But the thing is, that moron over there is thinking the exact same thing about you. Do you see what I am saying?
There’s a lot more to this. With good, blood-and-gore connections, you build up grudges against each other. It’s inevitable. Your amygdale; your emotional memory, which has a great, and accurate, but sometimes irrational memory, can often store up all kinds of negative connotations against people, and then you can instinctively react negatively against someone, and potentially never grow because you’ll be stuck in an eternal conflict where you don’t understand why you’re permanently rubbing against each other. Example: The other day, when this friend of mine said, “I need to have a discussion with you, Jessie. Would you like to go out for bubble tea?” I immediately reacted in my head, wondering, “What did I do now? Am I going to be reprimanded for some unconscious behavior that I’m doing that’s supposedly “unhealthy”? Are we going out for bubble tea, because I like bubble tea, and then I am going to find out something horrible, with some naïve hope that that bubble tea would make it all better?” and I asked, “Should I be worried about this?” And even though the answer was no, I still couldn’t help but be worried. And in the end, it was none of the conclusions that I had jumped to in my head; my amygdale, like it often does, lied to me. And that’s just the nature of it, and something that we all need to be aware of, especially when we are in community with others, and our friendships transcend mere interaction.
Is it worth it? Is it worth having this sort of vulnerability, and being with people that you hate, and love at the same time, and then, you wind up spending hours talking about one little instance, and the reasons behind that behavior, and what needs to be rectified in the future. Is it worth it when they hurt you? When you make each other cry? When they break your heart?
A lot of people I know would say no. Or they have said no to me, asking, why would I even bother? That he, or she, or whoever hurt you, isn’t worth your time. “You don’t deserve to be treated like that!” or, in the words of my (rather vocal) younger sister (this is not directed towards anyone, but I have heard her say this just in general), “f***ing douche-bag!”
But how on earth are you ever going to be capable of spending the rest of your life with someone, when if they hurt you, or someone close to you, you immediately take sides, and respond by calling the other an f***ing douche-bag? What is a grudge going to accomplish, but a broken friendship, that will only leave you more hurt, and more defensive, and eventually, more alone?
Respond with love. My friend apologized to me for different things, and, looking back upon the discussion now, I could have responded in all kinds of ways, or “asserted my rights”, or explained in very blatant detail what my friend should be sorry for, and that I hope that there was regret, or whatever. But at that moment, I forgot about anything else, except for, “I forgive you. I’ve gotten into the habit of forgiving you on a fairly regular basis.” And that’s the only response that I want to give, or feel needs to be given. I was just relieved, and very impressed, that this person had taken the initiative to talk to me, without me needing to bring up anything. I think I should have listened more to my friend. This person was apologizing, and all of this stuff, and I was only concerned for how I could help in the future, rather than just listening to the apology, that took a lot of guts to say, I can imagine.
It’s certainly hard to respond with love, but in the end, you are still friends, correct? And guaranteed, much better as a result. What is freeing, at least, to me, is knowing that I don’t need to be perfect, and that all of the people around me aren’t perfect, so that sometimes, crap will happen, and it’ll be exciting to solve it, to open yourself up to that other person, and allow them to open up to you, and grow together. We’re not meant to be alone, nor are we meant to hate like that. We’re meant to love, as painful and absolutely insane as it sometimes can be. And we love, because they don’t deserve that love, and we don’t deserve that love either, and because we don’t deserve it, we should give it out more, because it was first given to us, as undeserving as we are.