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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Seventeen

One of my friends e-mailed me this week, and it got me thinking about Hanover, and just about growing up there. It especially got me thinking of my last year of high school. I have known this for a while, but I really hadn't realized the enormous extent that that last year profoundly changed a lot of things in my life. Truly, I would be in a completely different location, doing completely different things had the direction of that last year gone differently.

I was seventeen. In grade 11, I did a co-op at the church helping with youth group with Sam, and was just, very involved in that whole group of people. I wasn't exactly close with anyone in that group really though, and often felt a sense of distance from every single one of them at some point or another. It reached a climax that summer when I went on a weekend-long retreat, and instead of spending time with the people I had known and claimed to love for years, instead I sought new friends, and spent that weekend meeting new people and avoiding the ones from home. There was something seriously wrong when you're part of a community of people, yet don't feel especially apart of it - and I'd been feeling that for years. When I was fifteen, I got into an awful fight with one of those guys, and everyone took his side in the fight. I know they didn't intend it, but harsh feelings were definitely held against me for years by many people following that whole fiasco (most of them probably didn't even know WHY they had harsh feelings for me) and it was a primary and at the same time unconscious motivator in what I did next.

I completely changed my primary group of friends. Psychologically, to make a shift in a group of friends, a community you hold yourself accountable to and they to you, and then to flip that community over and swap it for new people, is a really big change. There were/still aren't any ill feelings held towards the old group of friends, it was just time for a chance to find a group that could hopefully understand me deeper. I realize that a large theme of being a teenager for me, was just trying to be understood and seeking people who would understand me. And really, it's a huge risk whenever someone does something as drastic as switch over their entire communities. You're back at Square One. You're in an unknown world, with unknown people, hoping they are indeed good people who will have your back, and hoping this experience may prove more positive than the last. Everyone makes a shift in their circles at some points in their life obviously - usually when they move out, and it's usually more gradual than this. I realized that I had been waiting for this shift to happen since I was fifteen, and that fight happened with that one guy. It's not like I was directly thinking about this, or dwelling on something that had happened years earlier; I think this was all unconscious, but it's crazy, how little things like one argument, or a couple of new friends can profoundly influence huge decisions that can actually alter the course of your life.

I was immediately drawn to these new people for two big reasons: they were fun, and they didn't know a thing about me. I remember thinking this, and feeling safe about it. They didn't know me, so they couldn't come up with pre-judgments, and maybe (I thought to myself) this time "I have a chance to not screw it up!" Plus they were a lot of fun. The restrictions that some of my more conservative friends have they didn't have as much, and they weren't afraid to have the kind of fun that I thrived off of. I would find myself racing down unmaintained roads in the middle of the night, or jumping into rivers, games of car tag, going out for wings (all the time), referring to Sunday as "Random Adventure Day", and all kinds of other fun memories.

Obviously... things happen. People screw things up. I have come to learn though that it isn't to avoid that happening, but rather to repair what has and will happen, because it's a part of life, and the ones who seek to make it better, and to love despite conflict, are the real friends that are worth holding close. This is friendship in it's truest, goriest form. I like it.

It's worth thinking about, at least for me, because in July of 2006, I was convinced that I was going to go to this tiny little University in this remote village near Algonquin Park. Thinking about it now, I realize my motivation in going to the school in the first place was to see more of those friends I had met when I had gone on a retreat with my youth group. I was looking for a new community before I had found it. And obviously, I didn't end up going to that school; in July of 2007 I did something completely different, and much more fitting. All in all, I'm glad I did.

I've definitely changed a lot since then as well. Reading my old blog was like reading about a completely different person, except that I could remember writing it, and knew all the nuances and stories behind the words on the paper. Here is how I've changed:

* I am still awkward, but in a different way, and less awkward in social situations. Or at least, more aware of when it gets awkward, and good at laughing it off, and making new friends because of it.
* I'm not as loud as I was then. I've quieted down.
* I was a better writer when I was younger though.
* I cry WAY more than I did then. This sounds CRAZY and hard to believe, but I'm fairly certain that I've cried on average once a week for the past three years or so. I'm also extremely good at hiding it, which is why people can never tell if I had been crying, or if I'm sitting next to them and crying, even.
* I'm more aware of others in the face of conflict, and really work hard to resolve conflict compassionately
* I feel like I've become less selfish, or at least have developed more compassion for those around me
* I look older. In my eyes I do. I have a wrinkle on my forehead. :)
* I've matured. People think I'm older than I actually am, and will guess my age at 22, or 23... never 20...
* My sense of humor has changed, and my favorite colors have changed - they're not as BRIGHT, but more... vibrant. If that makes sense. I understand it, and I'm writing this blog to mostly clarify my thoughts.
* I don't need wild and crazy adventures to have fun anymore. Though they still are fun once in a while.
* My favorite band changed from Relient K, to Coldplay.
* I am much better at photography.
* I'm still in grade 10 piano, however, I've learned more new songs and have finally expanded my repertoire significantly with some new ARCT level pieces. I've also developed my ability to sing, and gained confidence in that.
* My parents did sell the house I grew up in. I really miss it. Losing something as constant as a home you've had your entire life is a great way for someone to feel extremely displaced. Especially after they've spent an entire year living out of a suitcase.

It's just interesting to me to think about why I'm here, and where I came from.

And my blog from when I was about 14-17... http://spaces.msn.com/gabbersthesquirrel

1 comments:

Jessie said...

Also. I forgot to say.

Those old friends, that I switched over...

Are some of the best friends, and most wonderful people I know. I pray for them all the time, and talking to them now, when we can regard each other as adults and equals, is always extremely refreshing, and motivating. I'm glad I know them.