As deeply as I love

I really try to be aware of myself, and the things I'm doing. Funny thing about this is, that you are always looking, and can easily miss the most blatantly obvious things. Or worse, think you're an awful person all the time, and constantly need to improve, rather than celebrate what you've done well, and strive to improve where you see improvement is needed. If playing the piano has taught me anything (besides one of the most wonderful blessings in my life) it's always to be evenly critical. To think in your mind, "YES! I aced that cadenza but I needed to improve that last arpeggio at the end, and I can do that by practicing scales." (then I usually think, "Bummer! I don't like scales. But I love my piano teacher, so I'll do them..."

This has been an interesting past couple of months, with a variety of events happening that has left me flat on my back. But the most amazing thing is the response of people around me. I have never received so many random, huge, and incredibly sacrificial acts of kindness in one short span of time that has really caused me to think very critically about what I am doing, and what needs to change. Oh goodness. I am excited.

I am not a perfect person. I am young, and I cling to naivety for the selfish reason that it is a cushion that prevents one from being overwhelmed by the world, and the unselfish reason that it is wise to remain forever young and (slightly unrelated) it's how we relate to God - as children, and He as our Father - if you "grow up" you grow closer to death, not in the physical sense, but in the spiritual sense of logicizing God and losing a sense of wonder and amazement at Him, but that's beside the point. I don't know a lot of things - I know a bit about music, I have a good memory for number combinations, and I know a lot of random historical facts, especially about wars, music, and saints. I live frugally, and I know how to save money. But I don't know the first thing about finances. Usually I'm very awkward, forget most important things, and if I'm caught in a quiet moment in conversation, internally I panic. If I'm around people I admire, I tend to mess up my words and say the wrong things and regret it later. I'm bad at mathematical things, and in some ways, I'm the most organized person I know, yet in others I'm horribly disorganized, and I constantly struggle with self-discipline. But for my young age, and for the things I do not know, there are a few things I do know that many will spend a lifetime never realizing. And one of those things is our desperate primitive need for community.

God made us to need community. We were created to rely on each other, and it's so vital to living healthily, for growing, and giving back. I don't know how to properly stress how deeply important this is. We can eat, and we can drink, and have shelter, but if we do it alone, we are missing a vital ingredient to basic human survival. One is in very deep trouble if they do not have a community in which they can call upon, and one that will call upon them.

Another thing that I know very well, is that it is through love that the most effective change is made. What Gandhi did is the best example I can think of for this. It's the idea that nobody would dare to hit a person who is not going to hit them back. Instead, what will likely happen is that the fight will end, and the one who raised that fist will be deeply convicted and challenged to peace in the future, and the true "winner" of that fight will cease to matter anymore. People can say, "Be generous, be generous," or they can tell you that you are not doing a good job of being generous, you need to change, you're doing it wrong, and this is how you should improve. I know people who do this. They say it to me all the time, and I usually find that I do not listen as well as if someone encourages me and challenges me, or more than that, SHOWS ME. People were generous to me. So many people, in so many ways. Now I pray for the opportunities to be generous.

For years, I have felt a conviction to the core of my being to strive for unity - particularly in the church. But I have been increasingly feeling that if I were to do JUST that, it wouldn't be fulfilling at all. Sure, it's a passion, but it's not serving a deeper need that's present. If I were to work at that, and do that and nothing else, I have a feeling that at the end of my life, in those last moments, I would have thought, "I should have done more." - oh, what a frightening last thought. I mean, the words were, "You will unite the world." - and the world is BIG. Bigger than the church, though it is good to focus, it's ambiguous because the bigger picture is missed. Unity takes your whole life, it takes all of us, and it takes love. If I loved others the same way I love and care for myself, or the same way I claim to love and follow God, I would never ever want to let another person go hungry, go without warmth, clothing, basic health, and a loving community. And if everyone were to operate with that challenge on their heart, there may be more open doors and less starving souls.

What does this mean? What does it mean for me? For my community, and for everyone I know? I study religions because I'm fascinated by it and curious about what is behind the driving force that convicts people in such ambiguous yet terrifyingly strong ways. Yet what will this do in the long run? I constantly think about this, and I'm questioning it in a huge way this year, because unlike last year, my goal for learning is not as defined as it was last year. I don't have a goal. I'm just going, and I've been praying for a goal since the year started. This isn't about dropping out, but it's about rethinking my directional goals. It makes me want to go back to Africa, randomly enough. Not only did that place teach me a great deal about myself, was hugely spiritually fulfilling, and I felt like the best version of myself while there, the idea of doing missions came to me today, yet that whole issue causes me to think a lot. I wonder a lot about the lasting effect a short-term missions trip has, and I wonder if the idea of doing mission-work has been glamorized, and how the proper way to most effectively use the skills I have to work to love others the same way I love myself. I don't want to give somebody a fish. I want to teach them how to catch their own fish, and not starve. One of my close friends is studying international development for her degree and she went to Ecuador for a year to study it more. I like how she's going about her passion, because she chose, rather than to just hop on a plane and go, to study it, study the problems out there, and the most effective solutions. Where is this sort of thing going to manifest itself in my life? Because it absolutely needs to, no doubt about it (I feel shallow in admitting that I hope it manifests itself in another country, but I know it will be where I am meant to be). No more with selfish living, shallow ambitions and low expectations. We're ALL missionaries. Some people say or talk about having a heart for missions. If one does not have a heart for missions, then something surely is missing. There's a hurting world full of people endowed with God-given challenges to fix it. Not just overseas, but everywhere we live and breathe and work. Anna Halpin and I talked about this all the time in high school, and I loved those conversations and ways we would dream.

Maybe one day I'll actually have money in my bank account. May I use it with a generous heart, and the thought that it is not mine, rather mine to share with those who have none. Surely one day, I will be off my back, and that day will come soon, and when that day comes, will I operate as I always have, or will I have a heart and mind and eyes that are open to the pain out there, and resourceful in regards to what I can to relieve that pain, and how? People showed me love, and that is how I grew to love God. People are showing me generosity, and that is how I am growing to love others as deeply as I love myself, and as deeply as I love God...