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Saturday, January 30, 2010

Mormons, disappointment/forgiveness, and being a girl

The other day, I was standing at the bus stop, when I saw two Mormons at the bus stop. They were very easy to distinguish. If their black attire and black nametags didn't give them away, the fact they looked absolutely frozen while I was content without hat or mittens gave away the fact that they were Mormons, they were missionaries, and they were definitely not from here. (I was also secretly proud of myself that I was actually not that cold in the weather, when usually I'm always cold, and bundle up in at least one more layer than the average person during this season. Anybody up for moving to a tropical climate for the winter??)

I love religion, and studying religion, so in my mind, there was definitely a childlike excitement. (Real-live Mormons??? Oh boy oh boy!) They didn't do the best job of answering my questions though, and most of the time I felt like they were trying to convert me. I felt bad, and told them to give me a call if ever they needed help navigating the city, particularly the bus routes (I'm almost proud of how well I've figured out that system.) and they did call me again! But it was different Mormons this time! And they tried to convert me again! I wanted to start talking to them about the Catholic church in the same way they were talking to me, but I felt kind of awkward doing so. It was a good opportunity to get a free Book of Mormon from them though, to add to my growing collection of free religious texts.

Two things completely shocked me though. One, was that I had no idea that they didn't believe in the Trinity. Mostly all Christian faiths I've interacted with have a very strong belief in God being present in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and this had never concerned me. To have people suddenly question just that one detail, like, not the existence of God, or the divinity of Jesus (though, this was about the divinity of Jesus to an extent) but just the TRINITY, threw me for a loop. I like to think I've questioned deeply a lot of things in my faith, and put myself in situations where I am seriously tested, and made to doubt what I believe in, to see if it is true. And it always has been. It kind of made me feel like I've forgotten to question this, and I didn't realize how fast I held onto that belief. The second thing that caused me great question was that it was strange to interact very closely with people of such conviction for something that many people around me believe very firmly is WRONG. In fact, it's bogus. But like, the Mormons and I prayed before we started talking, and the one Mormon girl pulled out her Bible/Book of Mormon (they can come in a two-in-one form!) and it was full of sticky notes, and little flags and bookmarks, so it was definitely well-read, and by someone who fully and wholeheartedly believes it. Encountering conviction such as that, humbles me, because I know I have that same kind of conviction, but I was disappointed as well because they said may times to me that they were SURE. You can never be sure. Faith isn't about knowing. And it's audacious of me to say that I'm CERTAIN, but I do hope with all my heart, and it is the hope that we have that is most important, and most desperate. Never sureness, but hope.

I think I've had the girliest week that I have ever had in my life. Not only is today the worst day (and only some people may understand what that means. It's not a bad day at all. Just a worst day) but Matt Harrison gave me a haircut. If Matthew Harrison ever ran for Prime Minister, I would vote for him. He seems to be the person I've ended up calling in times of trouble. He came when I crashed my car, and when I needed someone to give a boost to my mom's car, he was the one I called. I posted on Facebook that I needed a haircut, and he responded. I took up his dare, wanting to see what would happen, wondering if I was going to leave my haircut with longer leg hair than head hair. He picked me up, bright and early, and then took me to a very fancy hair salon at the mall, and bought me a professional, and one of the best-done haircuts I've ever had in my life. I was floored! What a surprise! And it turned out wonderfully, though my dreadlocks are now gone.

The next day Wendy gave me a makeover. I have a dare with a few girls on my floor that in exchange for them giving me a makeover, they'd have to go with no makeup like I do. I just like to have the freedom to touch my face whenever I want, and I also feel like I look fine without having to add anything. But I looked SO DIFFERENT. And a lot of people noticed. It was a positive feeling, for sure, and I understand a bit more of why girls do it. I definitely don't want/need to though. After my super-girly week, I just wanted to hang out with GUYS. There's just something about just sitting and playing a videogame with a bunch of guys that honestly makes me feel some form of normalcy. So I went and saw Avatar last night with a bunch of guys. It helped me feel a bit more normal, for some reason. Not to mention that was an excellent, and imaginative movie! Wow! I would see that again in a flash, and I can see why it is so well-liked.

Tonight though, I had a gig. A friend of mine invited me to play at a monthly art and music gathering called The View From Here, at a community house called The Branches. I was deeply excited, and touched that a friend that hadn't even heard me play invited me to be a featured guest at this event! This was huge! And I told all my friends about it because I was so excited. But only one of my friends ended up coming, and the majority of them made awful, awful excuses for not coming. Things like, "Oh, I have school," "Oh, I have a sore tummy." and "Oh, I'm making dinner." were said to me. I was very disappointed. I wish I could write them all a letter. And I would have appreciated it if they were more honest; it felt like they were just making up the worst excuses and that hurt more deeply than if they had just said, "No, I don't want to come." because at least in that situation I could be honest back, but instead I'm socially forced to smile and say "It's alright, I hope you get better." when I would much rather say, "Stop feeding me BULLSHIT!" It's something deeply personal to me because I've studied piano for the majority of my life, and performing and playing my music for people gives me such intense joy. I love to play for people, and I love it when people want me to play for them.

But I don't want revenge. I thought about it on the bus ride (which, when you're angry/disappointed on the bus, it makes the ride infinitely longer) and I thought I could just shake my fist at the air and say, "Someday people will be paying hundreds of dollars to hear me play! mwahahaha!" (I didn't really do that. If I were to be completely honest I'd say that I was on the verge of crying, and trying to coach myself to do a good job, nay, a BETTER job, and thoroughly enjoy it, for the sake of the ones I care about who didn't care to come) But I don't expect that any time in my life, I would reach a level of musical ability where people would pay hundreds of dollars to hear me play, nor do I want to, but that's beside the point. Last week I was confronted with the opportunity to deal with a conflict, but after a lot of thinking, praying and discussing (from a few people, too) we realized the best thing to do was not only to forgive, but to pray for them to be blessed, and hope for goodness in their lives. That needs to happen more often. There is a time to confront yes, but every single time we must forgive wholeheartedly, and that means even going so far as to genuinely hope for the best in the lives of those who wronged you. You will be wronged. You will be disappointed, and let down. None of us can perfectly fulfill that, and I've only realized that the more you know a person, and love a person, the more deeply you can hurt each other. Because you will be wronged, you must never seek to do wrong back, but do MORE good, because it is RIGHT, and that reason alone is sufficient. If they do not come to hear you play, then the next time the opportunity arises to play your heart out, you invite all those who did not care the first with the same excitement as before, because it is RIGHT and that is truly forgiving. Not only does it give second chances, it forgets about the first mistakes. Truly loving does not react out of spite for the wrong done. It can't.

4 comments:

Jessie said...

I realized. People DO pay me hundreds of dollars to play whenever I do a wedding/dinner/church service. So I guess that isn't a "someday". That's a "today". Wow. I'ma professional!

...That doesn't mean I HAVE money though.

Matthew Gates said...

"at a community house called The Branches"

Ok some times I question the wiring of my brain. I had etched into my mind that you had said the Chainsaw bar in waterloo, so I showed up there at about 8 30 and hung around listening to indy music sitting surrounded by a few older gentlemen who were convinced they were Clint Eastwood. After a while I guessed I had mis heard or something, Pretty sure i mumbled sumthing about a sore belly on the way out. hahaha.

Matthew Gates said...

hmm now that I'm thinking was this the same day? maybe not.

Jessie said...

You DID go to Chainsaw?? I wanted to go, but I didn't know anybody else went, so I didn't!

They do it every week though. There's this guy with dreadlocks who goes to school with me who invites me out to it all the time.