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Sunday, August 16, 2009

I don't think I like Christianity anymore...

Okay, so this has been brewing for months. It’s turned up in conversations with people, and thoughts that I’m wondering and dreaming about.

I am increasingly thinking that I don't like Christianity anymore.

It has become too easy, too passive, and expectations have fallen too low. Where is the challenge if I begin to feel like the view towards salvation is that it is assured simply because I fill up a space in a church pew? There is too much brokenness in this weary world, and too great a responsibility, and (by the way…) saving souls should never, ever, ever, be thought of in numerical terms.

There was a girl last year at EBC. A really nice girl, who commuted and took classes. Her and I became good friends, and I went to her apartment a few times and hung out as well, and I really enjoyed her company. (She also had a great bookshelf. I love going to people's houses and looking at the literature on their bookshelves.) At the beginning of the year, she was a Christian. At the end of her year at EBC, she was not a Christian. For a long time, I was the only person at the school who knew this, because she had a legitimate fear that anybody else at the school would just pounce on her, tell her she's going to hell, and then try to "evangelize" her.

There's so many things that's wrong with that story, but what is namely wrong is that someone was experiencing struggle (which is good, and healthy) in an environment where struggle is not welcome. Struggle should be welcome, because what it is that Christianity is demanding is extremely difficult, gory even, and worth struggling over.

I want struggle. It may not matter to many, but this is the faith that I’ve chosen to follow, and I want to do it to the best of my ability. Sometimes I think insanity is defined by doing and acting against what the masses are acting, and with that definition, sometimes, what is insane, could in fact, be sane.

Don't give me a church with good music and good public speaking. Give me Jesus. Give me the courage that Jesus had to love tax collectors, prostitutes, and to approach the lowest caste, the diseased, dirty, and dying, and love them. Don't give me an alter call and have the nerve to tell me that all I have to do is kneel down, say "yes", and that is my way into heaven. Give me the weight of the world, and the responsibility of the impoverished, the dying, and the hungry.

There are so many gods throughout history, and all of them are strong gods. The Greeks and the Romans, the Egyptians, and all of those ancient societies had their gods. Gods of power, of beauty, of wealth and longevity. What a huge and controversial turn then to dare to follow a God who is a god of the weak, the poor, and the loveless and lost. And that is more close to reality than any of the other paintings and statues they made, because it's a god who's after our very hearts. How controversial is that? How completely counter-cultural, counter-historical, and brave is that?

I want to dare to reflect the God who is bold enough to love the broken. And increasingly, I am feeling more and more often that we forget about that, or are not brave enough to take on that terrible responsibility within our church. And that can only lead to passivity, and a stagnant church that is far from being the "salt of the earth, the light of the world". And boy, I am the biggest perpetrator of this crime. It would actually shock me at this point if I were to die, find myself face to face with St. Peter, and he were to say, “Good job. Welcome to heaven.” Like, I’m not a “bad” person. I’ve never murdered anyone, for the most part, I am honest, ready to help a person in need, and seeking goodness in my actions and thoughts. Sure, I steal small objects that nobody else is using on a regular basis, but on the whole, I’m not a “bad” person. But I’d like to think that there constitutes more than simply good thoughts that make somebody a Christian, which is an extremely controversial decision to stand by. (All you need to do is look at the world to see this is true.) Because anybody can do that, and if anybody can do that, then surely there must be a hell of a lot more that made Jesus so different, controversial, notorious, loved, and revered. May I do that. May I reflect that.

I increasingly don’t like Christianity anymore, but the more I think about Jesus, what he stood for, and had the courage to reflect in a passive, selfish world, I fall more and more in love…

DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying I don't want anything to do with the church. Please don't interpret that. I work at a church playing music for Mass three times a week, I help out with a youth group and Sunday school during the school year, and neither of those two churches are the church that I attend as a regular member/parishioner. I love the church, and want to challenge and call it to what I believe it has the potential to be, to what I think Jesus is calling it toward. It is my church, as much as it is your church, as much as it is the Pope's church, or your pastor's church. Let me challenge. It needs a challenge. :)

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