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Sunday, June 21, 2009

This blog was a journey from bottom to top (Or, clothing the flowers)

ABOUT THIS BLOG: This entry was written over the span of about a week, with a variety of emotions rolled into it. A huge spectrum of despair and hope at different points. I was tempted to scrap this and do a new post (I often do this) but I liked the journey that this blog has documented, and so for that, it warranted a spot on The Thin Place. So, without further ado...


I've been feeling quite trapped, lately.

It's the combination of a lack of car, a lack of money, and a lack of certainty that has been increasingly scaring the living hell out of me the more I think about it. Who knew that I liked my security so much? I like to be spontaneous, but this uncertain feeling is quite terrifying.

Last week, I went car-shopping, only to find that I really cannot afford anything. What a demoralizing feeling. I phoned my dad because I promised to keep him updated about the car situation, but he just yelled at me for a good two minutes before I just shut the phone off, telling me I didn't know what I was doing, didn't understand anything, and couldn't do it.

This, obviously, didn't help anything at all. My bank account has been sitting in the "red zone" (my own personal red zone) for far too long, and things have been dwindling while I've been sitting, waiting for a cheque to arrive in the mail that would allow me to continue to advertise, and continue to do this business. I don't like that feeling either, like I'm just sitting still, unable to do anything. I feel trapped.

And it really doesn't take much to make me feel better. When I was a child, whenever I scraped my elbow, or was crying about something, my parents would get me a glass of water, and I would feel better. But this is big. I've never had this feeling before, because there's always been something I could fall back upon, a Plan B... now the Plan B is up to me, and isn't as concrete and safe as before. I am wandering into the unknown, without a map to guide me. I am stepping into the wild, (haha…) and there is a likelihood of failure. This summer might end, I may not have the money I need to do next year, and I will be screwed, and left thinking to myself, "It would have been better to dwindle my money away in BC being happy and seeing beautiful things than to dwindle my money away in Ontario, alone, stressed, and worried.”

One night, in a bout of frustration, I went to Corrie Kessler. I was tired, and frustrated, because multiple times, I have gotten offers to live in places that are in better areas to do business (there's no business in a low-income area like Hanover) and places that actually HAVE internet and cell phone reception, for that matter. But I can't live in those places unless I have a car, and I cannot afford a car unless I have business, but I need a car to pursue my business more. Such a catch-22.

Corrie is a sweet person, a talented musician, and she swears like nobody else I've ever met. In every other circumstance, swearing sounds just plain vulgar, but she swears with class and style. Nobody swears like Corrie Kessler does.

The basic thing that troubles me, is, what on earth am I DOING!? Is this what God wants me to do? What am I going to gain from this summer?

These are the questions that I’ve been asking myself lately.

However, oddly enough, the more I think of it, the more I do want this. The uncertainty is good, in it’s strange and scary way. I said to Corrie, “I should have just gotten a job at Christian Horizons or something. Pretty much everybody at EBC is doing that, and it’s stinking easy to get a job there.”

But she basically said (with a bunch of swearing in between), and it echoed my convictions, that I could have done that, but I’m not like everybody else. I could do that, but I’m choosing the harder, more terrifying path, to attempt to do something where I could come out terribly victorious, not in the financial sense, but in the sense that I took nothing but my resources, and made something out of it. I’ve been increasingly realizing that this summer has the potential to be very formational in a lot of what I want to do with my life. It’s narrowing, yes, but that’s the nature of it. We stand at this strange and exciting age, at this huge wide canyon of possibilities, ideas, and dreams, and beyond our control, we move forward, because time goes on, life goes on, and we have to do something. And I am just moving forward. The something could be anything. We could fly hot air balloons if we wanted to. (Boy, saying that gave me an irresistible desire to fly hot air balloons for the rest of my life. And I would like that.) But we must move forward. And people are so terrified to move forward, or to move forward somewhere. Terrified that they won’t have the money, and terrified that they’ll fail. Terrified because (and I’m quite certain of this) they want to get married so they can have lots of sex, (or because they watch too many romantic movies, and they get all starry-eyed and go for the first boy/girl that smiles at them. I’ve said “no” many times, and I don’t regret the time I’ve said “no” yet. I think reeeal hard about saying “yes”, or “no” to somebody.) and pursue successful careers with pretty suits, and shiny cars. They want it all, but they don’t want to wait, or wind up dirt poor and starving. So they do something, anything, to the point of compromising those dreams sometimes to try and have it all, and then miss out on the main point. And then the rest of their lives, they’re trapped, into having to buy all these big shiny things, and wind up in a constant land of debt and down-payments for all of these things, that they actually cannot afford.

Like, yes, be resourceful. Be able to spend your money frugally, give overly-generously, tithe, and never live with more than what you need. Just, don’t be afraid. God does, and always has, provided. I keep on feeling like I’m being smacked in the face from this verse from Matthew that says something about not worrying because God clothes the flowers, and they’re beautiful, and if he can clothe the flowers, and if the birds have endless resources at their disposal to build houses, we can certainly be assured that we won’t go without clothing, food, and shelter. I love the visual it paints in my head, of God giving the flowers pretty colours and clothing just so they can be beautiful. Clothing the flowers... Especially in this day, age and place, and the community of people we live around. Corrie and my other friend Anthony, (whom I called because he knows a lot about Saturns) both told me that if I have any chance of finding any set of wheels that’ll stand a chance of running and passing a safety, I’d need $1000. The government gave me $600, and I’d need to find $400 more. Those were their exact words. Scrape together $400.

Last week, I went to get the mail, and in it, I found an envelope with a cheque for $400. Hmm. I am taken care of, and I am going to be okay. :)

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